


A Chance of Evening Showers

by CatelynJones



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Chapter 2 back by popular demand, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Cuddles, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Food Issues, Graphic Description, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Katsuki Yuuri Needs a Hug, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not a romantic look at the issues at hand, One Shot, Panic, Post-Season/Series 01, Purging, Sleepy Cuddles, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, self-care, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-06-30 15:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15754410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynJones/pseuds/CatelynJones
Summary: Yuuri always had issues controlling his eating. He knew he put weight on easily, and found it hard to lose again. He needed to maintain perfect physical form, or he would start to slip down the competitive ladder. Fat skaters don't jump as high, don't look as graceful. Don't score as well.But the banquet was practically compulsory for a medalist.So Yuuri struck a deal with himself. Unfortunately, Viktor did not think the deal to be appropriate.Or safe.Trigger warning for rather honest look at an episode of purging and the emotional fall out.Rated mature for triggering, and frankly rather gross content





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is a vent fic and it deals heavily with eating disorders. Yuuri has canonical issues with food and in a looks-based field there is no way he'd get off without some sort of compensatory coping mechanism.

He’d had a beautiful evening. The GPF banquet was a very different experience when you hadn’t just disgraced yourself on the international stage. Although it was a little overwhelming, Yuuri enjoyed himself. The food and drink had been excellent, and he’d spent the night plastered to Viktor’s side, allowing his coach and partner to field the majority of the social interactions. Yuuri drank enough that the night took on a soft fuzzy filter and he laughed and danced with the other skaters as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

If he had been having slightly less fun, he might have taken some time to really panic over the abundance of food he’d consumed.

Yuuri knew, he _knew,_ that one night at the banquet wasn’t going to cause any issues. He knew that everyone had eaten their fill and more than one person had undone the top button of their suit pants.

He knew it wasn’t an issue, but he still couldn’t seem to prevent the spiral that started as soon as Viktor closed the bedroom door.

“That was an _amazing_ evening!” Viktor tore his way through the room in a whirlwind and discarded his jacket, “I don’t know about you, but I ate more than is socially acceptable.” He flopped back on the giant fluffy hotel bed, scattering the unnecessary pillows everywhere.

Yuuri hummed as Viktor blustered on, “Did you get to try those little chicken things? I’m going to have wet dreams about the chicken things.”

Yuuri was slowly stripping out of his formal wear, and for the first time in the night, he realised how tight his stomach felt. The light and boozy feeling from earlier had faded and left an aching numbness in its wake.

Viktor seemed unaware of his partner starting to crumble and was powering on with an enthusiastic and admiration filled analysis of the food available during the evening. Yuuri had stripped off his jacket and tie and was slowly making his way towards the en suite, “I was a lovely night, but Vitya love, I am tired. I am going to have a shower and then crash out.”

Viktor smiled and stretched, “Want me to join you?”

With a forced smile, trying to not show the panic that was bubbling just below the surface Yuuri replied in the negative, “Nah, I think I could use the time alone to unwind.” He allowed his face to soften, “I’ll be in bed soon though. You better make it warm for me!”

Throwing his head back in a charming, and full body laugh that was laced with the looseness granted by half a bottle of champagne, Viktor laughed, “You better be warm when you get here. I will not tolerate your ice block toes tonight!”

Yuuri walked into the bathroom shaking gently with laughter. As the bathroom door closed, he allowed himself to drop his head and let everything hit him.

He felt as if his stomach was full to bursting and things were crawling up his throat, trying to push their way out. Yuuri thought about the number of healthy, fit and thin people there tonight who would have seen him stuff his face. He thought about what those people now think of him. He thought about the fat and the oil sloshing around in his stomach. Stripping off the rest of his clothes, Yuuri looked down and realised with horror that his stomach was visibly distended. That was the final nail in the coffin.

He was so repulsed by his stomach, that at that moment, he would have cut it out if he could. He had the overwhelming urge to peel back layers of skin and remove the offending organ. He had never wanted to run, physically run, from himself as much as he did at that moment.

Yuuri was on his knees on the floor of the shower before he even had time to adjust the water. It was uncomfortably hot, and each drop on his back felt like a searing brand. The room quickly filled with steam and Yuuri was glad that his shame was partially hidden.

On his knees, he leant forward so he was doubled in half and his forehead was almost pressing to the ground.

He knew that this wasn’t what he should be doing. He knew that this was a bad idea and at this point, he honestly couldn’t imagine living through the physical discomfort and _pain_ coursing through his body. The sheer revulsion at the state of himself was enough to bring tears to his eyes, and it was enough to sure his resolve.

Shaking, Yuuri raised a hand and after the barest moment of hesitation, shoved two fingers down the back of his throat. The scratching of his nails burnt and he could feel the muscles of his throat spasming. He fought the urge to cough and splutter and took a calming breath through his nose. Eventually, Yuuri felt his stomach rebel, and he was rewarded with a pile of half-chewed food.

Yuuri grimaced at the sight before him and pushed the chunks of undigested banquet down the shower drain. He fought the urge to run and steeled himself for another attempt.

The second time was always worse.

His throat already burned and stung, but the feeling of panic, of food crawling its way up his oesophagus without permission, wouldn’t leave.

Not yet.

The second pile of vomit was far more rewarding than the first, and Yuuri surveyed it with detached curiosity as it too was squished down the drain.

He leant forward again and realised how red and raw his skin was from the heat of the water. He rested his forehead on the tiles of the shower and sighed into the ceramic. Yuuri was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t head the bathroom door open.

Viktor hadn’t realised something was wrong until he lay in bed, waiting for Yuuri to join him. Yuuri loved long soaking baths but saw showers as somewhere to clean yourself then get out. He wasn’t one to sit under the spray and contemplate life.

When the clock ticked across to 2am, signalling that Yuuri had been in the shower for almost half an hour, Viktor got concerned. What he saw when he opened the door broke his heart.

Yuuri was quietly jamming chunks of meat and bread down the drain before rinsing everything off and curling into a ball on the floor.

Sighing, Viktor walked forward, opened the shower door without speaking and shut the water off. He grabbed the fluffy hotel towel and dropped to his knees, leaning forward to get a better look at Yuuri. His partner did not even react to his touch, instead he stayed curled up on the tile.

“Oh my love, what has happened…”

Draping the towel over Yuuri, he helped him to his feet and dried him off. He wrapped his boyfriend up in a robe and walked him to the bed and got the two of them settled.

Pulling him down and into his arms, Viktor pressed a kiss to the side of a still unresponsive Yuuri’s head, “Can you come back to me, my love? Can you tell me what has happened?”

Yuuri did not answer, but he sniffed and wormed further into Viktor’s arms. He continued to sniff and cough gently, and Viktor could tell that his love was crying.

He pressed another kiss to his head, “Alright. We will talk about it in the morning.” Viktor sighed, “Rest now, but we _will_ be discussing this tomorrow.”

He was surprised, but pleased when a rough and crackly voice replied quietly, “Vitya, it _is_ tomorrow…”

“Ah my katsudon, you are correct as always. Sleep anyway.”

He could feel a smile against his arm and was rewarded when Yuuri started to drift off.

Viktor, for his part, lay awake for many hours into the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the evening before. Each half of our boys thinks about what happened and they (or lets be honest, Viktor) makes a decision as to where they go from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys asked for it, and here it is.  
> Let me know what you think yeah?
> 
> And if this fic makes you feel some kinda way, let me know, more than happy to chat. But also go talk to a friend, throw the ball for a dog, rewatch YoI or watch season 2 of Queer Eye. That shit is so wholesome

 

It was well into the small hours of the night that Viktor finally dropped off to sleep. His head had been stuck on the image of his partner folded up on the floor of the shower. He replayed the scene over and over in his mind, noting how Yuuri’s body had shaken, how his eyes had been red and how he had tried to hide his face.

Lots of details from the banquet were happily blurred, the pace of the festivities and the free-flowing wine had seen to that, but every aspect of the bathroom was crystal clear. Stored in Viktor’s memories in ultra-high definition.

Viktor had known that Yuuri had an interesting history with food. He was Yuuri’s coach, his friend, his partner. But he had never _seen_ it laid out in such painful, shameful detail. It had all been shared in hushed whispers in darkened rooms and muffled against pillows and chests. Somehow, Viktor had managed to avoid seeing the ugliness of the issue.

So yes, Viktor had known, but he had not _known._

If he had _known_ , he would done last night differently. He would have stayed with Yuuri, checked in with him more. Not left him alone in the shower when they got home! Hell, Yuuri _told_ him initially that showering was a trigger for him. He had _told_ Viktor that months ago so that he could help in situations like this. And what did Viktor do?

Fucking nothing.

Not until it was too late and the damage had been done.

Viktor looked down at the man snoring gently in his arms. Yuuri had his head pillowed on Viktor’s chest, ear over his heart. He looked so peaceful, and Viktor’s heart clenched painfully.

He should have been more supportive. He should have been more prepared. He should have been more sensitive to what Yuuri needed, what he was going through.

God, how many nights had Yuuri sat awake replaying every negative comment Viktor had ever made? How often did the nasty voice in Yuuri’s head take on Viktor’s name? He wasn’t exactly sensitive to his words when they first met. How much damage had Viktor caused, before he knew what was happening? How many off-hand comments had destroyed pieces of his love’s soul?

Viktor felt the void in his chest reopen.

It didn’t happen as often as it used to, but he never forgot that it sat there, waiting.

He shivered and tugged Yuuri closer. There was no time to deal with his own personal sinkhole, Yuuri needed him, and this time, he would be there.

Viktor set his jaw and pressed a kiss to Yuuri’s head; he would not fail him again.

***

Yuuri awoke to a painful throb in his head. It had been a long time since he had been that drunk, and now he was paying for it. His throat was dry and scratchy, his mouth felt like he’d eaten the skin off 1000 peaches and there was a vice around his forehead.

A lot of the night was a blur. He remembered dancing with Viktor, drinking more champagne than was probably advisable and eating absolutely everything he was offered.

Yuuri stretched and realised he was being held tightly against Viktor’s chest. Smiling against the firm muscle of his pecs, he nuzzled closer to the warmth. Viktor was still asleep. Which was good. Because if he were awake, they would have to discuss what happened after the banquet was over and they made it back to their room.

What happened in the bathroom was not forgotten, it didn’t come back to him suddenly in a gasping realisation. It just slowly rose up through his list of priorities until it registered that it was something he should be concerned about.

Yuuri was not surprised that he ended up on the floor of the shower, expelling the contents of his stomach. If he was totally honest with himself (which Yuuri was not, if he could help it at all) he had planned to purge after the banquet. It had been the plan the whole time. That was, he could allow himself to feel _normal_ , just for one night. He promised he’d throw it all up, so there was no harm at all in taking a second arancini ball from the waiter, or fourth chicken kebab, or a third serving of sweet rice. He just wanted _one_ night where he let himself lose track of what he put in his mouth and the only way to do that was to promise to get rid of it. He chewed everything properly, and each tasty bite was followed by a sip of drink and Yuuri knew that it would be easy.

Yuuri had also hoped that someone would stop him.

He had hoped that someone would have noticed what was happening inside his head and pulled him aside and spoken to him. But he also panicked instinctively at the thought of being found out.

Which was why, when he made eye contact with another skater who was struggling as much as he was, he said nothing. Did nothing. He was complicit in the disordered behaviours of others through his own inaction.

It’s hard to understand unless you have been there.

There is a particular way that someone who is struggling acts around food. From experience, Yuuri knows the little tells are almost invisible to _normal_ people, but once you know, they stand out like a glowing neon sign. It’s hard to explain exactly _how_ the way someone picks a pastry apart or approaches a buffet table can tell you so much about their most private problems, but in the world of elite figure skating, more than a few people were walking around with signs over their heads. And once you notice one, it’s hard to keep your own feelings in check.

Yuuri thought back to the banquet and remembered the feeling of gnawing panic as he realised that there were people there, thinner people, _sicker_ people, who could see him. Who could understand what choices he was making. Yuuri was self-aware enough to know that he also carried a sign around with him, and right now it was drawing attention to his panic. What if the others saw him eating and thought he was disgusting? What he _didn’t_ eat, and people thought him picky, or worse, rude. If he ate and didn’t worry too much about it, then it meant he didn’t have a problem and was making noise about it for attention. If he didn’t eat, then people would ask him why, and he’d have to lie, and that was too much for his anxiety. If he left the banquet people would talk about how cold, distant Yuuri Katsuki was _too good_ for such social events. If he ate and then got rid of it at the banquet, someone would hear and assume he had drunk too much and people would talk about _that_. It was all too much for someone with terrible anxiety to deal with.

So he chose the simplest option.

Eat now.

Purge later.

(Hope that someone notices and helps you.)

Yuuri was distracted from his internal appraisal of the night by his human pillow beginning to stir.

Viktor yawned widely and stretched his body before opening his eyes and looking down at Yuuri. “Hey katsudon, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Hungover,” Yuuri shuffled so he could look up at Viktor’s face, it was pale, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Yuuri cupped his jaw and brought their lips together in a quick, yet sweet kiss.

Viktor smiled, and rolled them, so they were laying on their sides, face to face, “I’m not surprised to hear that, you did take full advantage of the complimentary champagne.”

Yuuri smiled, “It was free! It would have been rude not to!”

Laughing Viktor replied, “Yes, I suppose it would have been.” He paused and bit his lip, “Yuuri, we need to talk.”

Yuuri shuffled closer and tucked his head under Viktor’s chin and pulled his arms in so they were bundled up against his naked chest, “Yeah, I know.”

Viktor wrapped Yuuri up in his arms and frowned at the resignation in his voice, “So I take it you remember what happened when we got home last night?”

The answer was muffled but definitely discernible as an affirmative answer.

Viktor nodded, pressed a kiss to Yuuri’s head and pressed on, “I want to start by telling you how sorry I am that I didn’t notice what was happening. I should have been there more and –”

He was cut off by Yuuri suddenly pulling back and staring at Viktor with a look of confusion, “Why are _you_ apologising? It’s not your fault I’m too fucking stupid to figure out how to eat normally.”

Viktor looked at Yuuri with bemusement, “No, but I am your partner and coach, and I should have thought ahead. You told me enough that if I had been paying attention, I would have been able to help. But I didn’t, and I am sorry.”

There was a note of bitterness at the end of his apology, and Yuuri caught it. Slowly freeing one arm, Yuuri cupped Viktor’s jaw and tilted his head down so their eyes could meet. “Vitya, you know I don’t blame you, right? It’s not on you to make sure I am ok.”

Viktor smiled sadly, “Maybe not, but we are partners, and I wasn’t there for you last night.” He paused and pulled Yuuri closer, “Just, can you tell me why? What happened last night that we ended up where we did? When could I have intervened and changed the outcome, or made things easier for you?”

Yuuri frowned, that was not a question he had been expecting, “Uhm… It was a lot of things, I guess. But I sort of made a deal with myself. I could eat whatever I wanted at the banquet without worrying so long as I got rid of it when we got home.” Yuuri’s cheeks burned with shame as he gave voice to his unspoken thoughts.

Viktor was nodding though, “So in reality, I should have been doing something to help before we even got to the banquet.”

Something about the was Viktor phrased it all scraped at his chest, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on _why_ , “Uhm, I guess? It started to be an issue form the moment I remembered we had a banquet to go to.” Viktor was nodding again, “but also when we got back to the hotel room? Help there would have maybe stopped me from…” He couldn’t bring himself to say “purging” out loud.

Viktor hummed, “Ok. Yuuri I promise I’ll do better next time.”

His brows creased as Yuuri got the scraping feeling again, but Viktor was still speaking, “Can I ask though, why you didn’t tell me you were struggling?”

Yuuri pished down the instinctive answer of “ _I shouldn’t have to_ ”, because that was not a fair answer for either of them and swallowed as he looked for the real response.  Truthfully, he hadn’t even though about going to Viktor. It wasn’t an option on his list, and it really should have been. So why. Well, the most honest answer would be, “because I like some aspects of my disordered behaviours and talking to you would make me give them up”, but that wasn’t the most _helpful_ answer. So he searched for that instead, “I… I just wanted to have a good night. I wanted _you_ to have a good night. I guess I didn’t want to worry anyone…”

Viktor hummed again, “Yuuri I was doing some reading, and I have some suggestions that I really think we need to look at?”

Yuuri nodded nervously, “O-okay?”

“First, you need to go back to seeing your psych. I let it slide because I thought we were on top of the anxiety, but I didn’t realise how much the eating disorder was impacting you.”

Yuuri froze, “I don’t have an eating disorder.”

Viktor pulled back slightly so he could look at Yuuri’s face, “Huh?”

Yuuri set his jaw, “I don’t have an eating disorder… I just have… A complicated relationship with food.”

If it weren’t such a serious topic, Viktor would have laughed. His Yuuri had his jaw set and looked just _so stubborn_.

“Love, just because you don’t meet the criteria for bulimia or anorexia does not mean you don’t have an eating disorder.”

Yuuri tried very hard to ignore the little voice that said: _“he doesn’t think you meet the criteria either, you should try harder”_. “Vitya, I think I would know if I had been diagnosed with an eating disorder.”

Viktor smiled sadly, “I think the only thing stopping you from diagnosed is not discussing it with anyone on your medical team. As a coach, this is partly my fault because you _did_ discuss it with me and I didn’t follow it up. So we’re going to follow it up now.”

Yuuri felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. He’d never say his behaviours were _normal_ per say, but he didn’t think he would go as far as to describe them as disordered. Would he?

“And as for us as a couple, I want us to both go to therapy. Together. Apparently, this takes a heavy toll on relationships, and multiple websites suggest seeing a therapist together so we can tackle the problem as a team.”

“Uhm…”

Viktor tilted Yuuri’s chin up, “I love you, we are a team, we will face our problems, as a team. I will be with you every step of the way, and I will be your biggest cheerleader, and that means we need to make plans together.”

Yuuri, as he usually was, was totally blown away for Viktor’s enthusiasm for facing tasks. “Oh.. okay then. Ok.”

Maybe this _was_ something they could tackle. Maybe this _was_ something they could beat.

Together.

Seemingly satisfied, Viktor smiled, “Excellent. I have already made appointments with an English speaking therapist for the both of us. And they will do skype consults for when we are both travelling so there will be no excuses for skipping out on appointments. I have also contacted you psychologist from home, and she is also happy to do skype consults with you to accommodate your schedule.”

Yuuri let himself be guided from the bed and into a clean set of lounge clothes. A fruit and pastry platter had been brought by room service, as well as a whole actual juice machine. He sent out a mental apology to whoever was tasked with lugging it up to their room.

Viktor seated him in one of the dining chairs and then busied himself preparing a fruit salad and fresh juices for their breakfast. Yuuri just sat there like a stunned fish. They had a plan.

There was a plan in place.

… Maybe things would turn out ok after all…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Comments? Typos?
> 
> I put a lot of myself in this and a lot of wish-fulfilment. I think, as a person, I am one part Viktor, one part Yuuri and three parts inability to iceskate.
> 
> I also obsessively research and plan, but I definitely have Yuuri's insecurities. I also have a headcanon that Viktor struggles a lot with his own mental health, which would explain some of his really rash decisions, like flying halfway across the world, dropping out of skating for a year and taking on a coaching role all on a whim.
> 
> Also, also, I cannot overstate how important it is to take care of yourself if your significant other is struggling with a serious mental health condition. Eating disorders really fuck with your perception of the world and just the physical effect of being hungry and tired all the time? Hell to live with. So if you are in this position, consider seeing a psych yourself. Gotta put your own O2 mask on first, yeah?


End file.
